What is Happening to Me?

[Present Day]

The nomad 'doc was right; Miz was fully healed inside of two weeks. As soon as she was able to walk on her own, only a few days after they got back from Las Palapas, she and Billy had gone to see Vik for a check-up. He applauded the work done, and added a touch of his own with some airhypo healing agents. He advised her to take it easy, even though he knew she wouldn't listen. He took to monitoring her usual workouts closely, making sure she didn't strain herself too much early on. She was glad to have the extra set of eyes, and it kept her closer to Billy as he continued training with Vik.

V had kept her word; the crew was fairly flush after the Farris gig, and she waited until Pops approached her to discuss any further work. She wanted to give Miz time to heal, and the rest of the crew time to rest. They had become an invaluable asset to V and the Afterlife, but they were also something more. V cared about them, and she wanted to protect them at all costs. If that took a few weeks of putting off Mr. Blue Eyes or anyone else, she was happy to do so, or farm out the smaller stuff to other crews.

Since they had gotten back, Billy had noticed a marked change in Miz's personality, almost as though she had regressed. The love and affection was still there, but it was co-mingled with increasingly frequent episodes of cold apathy. Her coping mechanism for compartmentalizing her emotions was once again affecting her interpersonal relationships. Billy tried to give it time, chalked it up to part of the healing process. But it was taking a toll on him. He didn't want to lose her, but something had to give...

--

[One month later]

Vik and Billy were dancing around each other in the ring, exchanging hooks and jabs, ducking and weaving, and generally just mouthing off to one another. Billy had poured his frustrations into his training, and was now nearly capable of holding his own with Vik in an all-out match. Prior to the Farris gig, Vik had asked him sincerely if he was interested in amateur boxing matches. Billy had talked it over with Miz, and they both agreed as long as he felt he was ready. At long last, he was ready to take Vik up on his offer. But for now, he needed to focus; he had just narrowly avoided the man's famed right hook, sidestepping him altogether. Vik called out to him, "C'mon kid! Stop pussy-footin' around and hit me! Make me feel it!"

Billy had been snookered by Vik's trash-talk a few times already in the 7 months they'd been training together. He knew better by now, but he wasn't going to just back off. He stepped in carefully, tactfully blocking a few short jabs before he found an opening. He gave a quick left jab to his trainer's ribs, nothing more than a little love-tap to wake him up. Vik took a few steps back, giving himself some space. Billy pursued him, nearly backing him into a corner. He went on the offensive, launching a series of jab-jab-hook combos, alternating his stance and lead hand to throw Vik off. Finally, he planted a firm uppercut into Vik's gut, sending him to his knees.

Vik groaned, holding onto the rings as he struggled to find his footing. He was hurt. Billy switched it off, approaching him to try and help. He decided now was the time to teach the kid a lesson as he dropped his act, surging up and forward with his killer right. Billy was ready, dodging to the left and ducking into Vik's body. He borrowed a page from Pops' book as he grabbed Vik around the waist, spinning a quick 180 degrees before slamming him onto the canvas. Vik reeled upwards, his back arching as he groaned honestly this time. Billy stood over him victoriously as he said, "What was that about pussy-footin', old man?"

Vik laughed as he said, "Yeah-yeah, fuck you, kid. Could've mentioned you've been training with Pops while Miz was on the mend. Now help me up."

Billy smiled wide, grabbing Vik's arm and pulling him to his feet with little effort. The older man shook his head, trying to regain his composure as he looked at Billy with a smile and said, "You know, maybe you'd be better suited to the cage than the ring."

Billy shrugged his shoulders, "I was never one for rules and regulations, really."

"Yeah, I can tell", Vik nudged him, "You're a born brawler, but you've gained a lot of ground in a very short amount of time."

Billy blushed a bit as he helped Vik get his gloves off. Vik continued, "I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, kid. I really think you're ready to put your skills to the test. Where the metal meets the meat."

Billy answered between catching his breath, "Let's do it. I'm ready, Vik. Show me the way."

Their attention was drawn to Miz's grunts and shouts as she worked with a suspended punching bag at the other end of the gym. The nomad 'doc had called it, she had 3 new body scars to add to her growing collection. Her left cheek was now marked by a two-inch scar below the eye. It gave her an edge to her appearance, not that she was lacking it. Billy swore up and down it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

Today, though, she was in her own world. She had been on this bag for over an hour already. Her swings were growing more and more erratic and wild, her shouts growing louder and more aggressive. She was zeroed in, or she was completely absent, running on pure feral instinct. Billy had started to worry more over the last week. There had been a few instances where Miz just simply wasn't there, or she was just indifferent. She usually snapped out of it after a few seconds, but it felt more and more like Billy was losing her to that old, cold-shoulder mentality she had when they first met.

He signaled to Vik to give him a minute; Vik nodded, he understood it completely. Honestly, he was rooting for them to go the distance. Recent troubles aside, he felt a spark of life when he saw them around one another. The twinkles in their eyes, the raw passion and love between them; it made Vik yearn for his younger days. It always brought a smile to his face to see them around each other. But not today.

Miz was completely soaked through with sweat. Her breathing was ragged, and her teeth were gritted as she was almost snarling at the bag with every strike. And with every strike, a shout. There was a fierceness inside of her yearning to escape.

Billy called out to her gently at first, but she paid him no heed. He called out again, louder, but still no response. Not that she couldn't hear him, nor was she ignoring him. It seemed as though she was completely oblivious to his presence, or anyone's for that matter. Billy took his chance as he placed a gentle hand on Miz's shoulder. Mistake, he thought, as she immediately spun around, eyes narrowed and glowing red, and she continued her strikes in his direction as she stepped into him. He called out to her several times as he blocked each strike, trying to restrain his own reflexes to counter her. He finally found his window and wrapped both of his arms around her tight as he nearly yelled, "Mizuki!"

He had never actually used that name with her. He knew she wasn't fond of it, but he had to get her attention somehow. He could beg forgiveness later. As he held her tight, she tried to break free with a few strikes to his stomach. He braced himself and took each one in stride as he said again, quietly, "Mizuki, come on babe. It's me."

Her strikes subsided into weak open palms before her arms fell completely to her side. Her breathing was uneven, and her whole body was trembling. After a few seconds, Miz brought her hands up, grabbing hold of Billy's tank-top and squeezing the fabric as tight as she could. Her breathing turned into soft whimpers before she broke down in tears, soaking his shirt as she refused to let go. Finally, she wrapped her arms tight around him as her voice broke, muffled into his chest, "Billy, what the fuck is happening to me?!"

In that instant, Billy saw the light at the end of the tunnel. This was the first time Miz had actually acknowledged the episodes she was experiencing. He shifted his arms from trying to restrain her; he cradled her head and held her close, giving her all the time she needed. Whatever this was, he wanted her back. Whatever it took, he would gladly give.

After a minute, Miz gently pulled away as she looked up at Billy. Her face was red and puffy, her eyes bloodshot from the tears. To Billy, it was the most beautiful he'd ever seen her, because for the first time since they'd returned from the Farris job, there was her raw humanity showing clear as day. The tears continued to stream down her face as she said to Billy, "I'm so sorry. For everything. For all of this. I-I don't know what's happening to me. But I don't want to hurt you anymore."

Billy's eyes welled up as he looked in Miz's. He couldn't find the words. Miz found hers as she continued, "I-I need to talk to Vik... but I want you there."

Billy nodded and said, "Anything you need, just tell me."

Miz smiled through the tears as she pulled Billy in again and held him tight, her eyes closing. She feared this might be the last time, so she wanted to hear his heartbeat once more. As she pulled away, Vik, in his all-knowing ways, was standing only a few feet from them. As Miz met his eyes, he said firmly, "Office."

They both turned to follow him, Miz reaching for Billy's hand as she stumbled her way through the gym. Thankfully for both of them, the building was practically empty at this hour. As they walked into the office, Vik closed the door behind them, directing them to take their seats as he leaned against a desk and crossed his arms. Billy again felt like he was in a principal's office. Vik finally spoke, "Start from the top, tell me everything."

Miz took a few seconds to gather her thoughts, but all she could come up with is, "I-I don't know what's happening to me, Vik."

"Sure ya do, kid", Vik chided her, "It's the same thing that's always happened when you get scared."

Miz stopped for a moment, her eyes wide as she met Vik's stare. He smirked as he could see the gears turning in her head, and he continued, "What happened to you seven years ago?"

She glared at Vik's audacity, and he raised his hands up and said, "Look, this is part of the process. I know what happened; Billy knows to some extent, I'm sure. But you need to hear yourself say it. What happened?"

The trembling started all over again, and Miz curled up in the chair, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them as she buried her face. Billy had never seen this before. She whimpered softly, shaking her head. Vik reached out with a hand to comfort her, but she jerked away from him, the same way she had jerked away from Billy a month ago; the same way she had jerked away from Pops during the H10 job. The puzzle pieces were falling into place as Vik leaned back and crossed his arms again as he said, "I may not be a shrink, but I've been around long enough to know my way around trauma, physical or mental."

Billy looked up to him and asked, "W-what's going on, Vik?"

Vik furrowed his brow as he answered curtly, "Fight or flight. Basic stressor response mechanism."

Billy shook his head, "The fuck does that mean, Vik?!"

"Keep your voice down", Vic rebuked him before continuing, "Miz suffered a severe trauma at some point in her past. At the time, after it happened, her only way to keep going was to bury it down, compartmentalize it. But in doing so, she feels no emotion at all. You've seen it, I'm sure. How detached she gets when she's on a job, in a fight, or when something triggers an emotional response; she shuts down, shuts everything out, more or less."

Billy looked down at the floor, and slowly nodded. Vik continued, "Whenever this mechanism is triggered, the fear is still there on a subconscious level. That's why she jerks away when you try to touch her. It's not personal. It's instinctual, because of what happened to her. It's a reflex, and she likely doesn't even realize she did it until after the fact."

Billy flashed back to the parking lot during the Farris gig, the way Miz shrugged away from him, and the pain in her face only a few seconds later when she realized it before falling into his arms.

They both looked at Miz still curled up in the chair. Vik asked again, "Miz, what happened?"

Miz looked up, her eyes peeking over her knees and she spat at him, "You know what happened."

Vik clenched his jaw, the doubt setting in if he was doing more harm than good. Regardless, he pressed on, "What. Happened?"

Miz slowly began to loosen up. Her arms shifted, her head raising from her knees as she looked down and said, "Mama and I were taken by Tyger Claws in the night. They beat and raped us, again and again, for three days. Pops found us, saved me, but he was too late for..."

Vik asked a bogus question, "Do you... blame Pops for it?"

Miz's eyes narrowed, "Never! The fuck kind of gonk question is that?!"

Vik pardoned himself with a wave of his hand as he said, "What happened next, after you came to see me?"

Miz continued, "Pops tracked down Kenji through Wakako Okada in Westbrook; she agreed to hold him as long as we agreed to meet her."

Vik leaned in, "And then?"

Miz's voice began to crack as she said, "She... m-made me kill him."

Vik asked another loaded question, "Made you? How, at gun point?"

Miz wiped the tears away as she answered, "She said for our debts to be settled with the Tyger Claws, it had to be paid in blood. Since Kenji had dishonored them, she said I had to be one to kill him. Punishment had to come from someone he had hurt."

Vik chose his next words carefully, reading a threatening look from Billy as he said, "So, in less than a week, you were kidnapped, assaulted for three days straight, saw your mother killed, and then were strong-armed into killing the man who did it?"

Miz said nothing, but she nodded as she looked away, almost as if she were ashamed of it all. Vik asked a follow up question, "How did you do it? What did you feel when you killed... Kenji?"

Miz's face went stone-cold, both Billy and Vik noticed. Vik snapped his fingers, "There. That's it. What do you feel, right now?"

She fired back, a complete shift in her tone and personality, "The fuck does it matter?"

Vik pressed her, "Do you feel... anything? Do you feel what you felt when you killed Kenji?"

Miz locked eyes with Vik as she answered, "I didn't feel anything when I killed him. I just pulled the trigger and kept pulling it until the fuckin' gun was empty."

Vik cocked his head and said, "Miz, it was your first kill... you had to have felt something."

Miz's eyebrows twitched before more tears involuntarily rolled down her face and the pain and sadness returned. Her body started shaking again and she fought to get the words out, "I-I just wanted it all to end. I just wanted to die so I could be with Mama."

She was choked by her own tears as she began to sob, her head hung low. Between gasping for air, she kept going, "I-I j-just wanted her back. I wanted our f-family to b-be whole again."

Vik asked another question, "And when that didn't happen? You emptied half a pound of lead into another man, and nothing happened to you. What then?"

Miz sniffed, fighting to hold back her crying as she answered, "I felt numb. Empty."

Billy was piecing it all together as he said, "South of the Border, the Farris job, when you squared off with those 3 feral gangers by yourself, is this what you felt then?"

Miz looked to Billy before looking down and nodding.

Billy continued, "What about when the third one caught you off-guard? What did you feel then?"

Miz thought for a second, "I felt panic, and then I felt nothing at all."

Vik nodded as he said, "This is what's called 'dissociation'. Your body still recognizes the raw instinct of fear and panic, but your mind tries to separate from it to protect itself. You had a close call south of the Border. You nearly died. You were reminded that you're not invincible, even though you might feel that way when you fight. Your body panicked and your brain kicked in with a single instinct: survive."

There was a hope in Miz's eyes, as if Vik had struck a chord. He continued, "Miz, after everything you've been through, feeling panic or fear is a natural response to have. It's okay to feel those things. Survival isn't about being the last man or woman standing in the ring; it's about knowing when to acknowledge the fear and back off before you go over the edge. Fear can be as much a tool for self-preservation as blind rage or aggression."

Miz's eyes locked with Vik's as he continued, "You did what you had to at the time in order to survive, but you've created a void of emotion that's now bleeding into other areas of your life, where you should be feeling everything."

Miz's bottom lip trembled as she fought back more tears and asked, "W-what can I do? How can I fix this?"

Vik shrugged his eyebrows and gave a deep exhale as he said, "I, uh... I don't know, kid. Again, I'm no shrink, but it sounds like that might be what you need. Or maybe you just need Misty to realign your chakras or whatever shit she does."

Miz and Billy both fought to keep straight faces as Vik smirked and continued, "Look, it may take professional help to get past it all, but you know what the root cause is now, and you've got a good family around you. That's not nothing."

Billy smiled as he reached for Miz's hand. To her own surprise, and his, she didn't jerk or pull away. Vik kept going, "You don't always have to be an island to be strong. Real strength is knowing your limits, and knowing when to rely on others that are willing to help you. Any one of your crew, including your input here, would die for you without question, as you would for them. Asking for a helping hand or shoulder to lean on... that ain't asking for much, kid."

Miz smiled as she wiped the tears away from her face. Vik offered his final thought on the matter, "Look... go and talk to V. She's got connections, might be she can find you the professional help you need. What matters is that you find a way to properly process your emotions. Ah, anyhow, I've mouthed off enough for one day. Now, both of you get out of here. It's supposed to be a really nice day. Go enjoy it, together."

Having said his piece, Vik stood up from the desk and left the office, making his way back over to to pack up his gym bag. Miz and Billy sat in silence for a moment before following.

As they made their way through the gym, Miz stopped for a few seconds. As Billy turned to face her, she was fighting another round of tears. He took a chance and approached her, and she fell into his arms as she said, "You don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than I've given you. I'm so sorry for all of this..."

Billy held her tight as he said, "It's okay. You know what the issue is, and you know what you need to do. And whatever help you need, I'm here for you. The crew is here for you. You know that, right?"

He could feel her head moving against his chest as she nodded and said, "I wouldn't blame you if you decided I wasn't worth the trou—"

Billy pulled back, staring Miz in the eyes with a sadness as he said, "No, not ever. Don't you ever say that."

Miz looked down, quietly admonishing herself. Billy cupped her cheek in his left hand, bringing her face up to look in her eyes. She nuzzled into his hand, finding comfort in its warmth as he said familiar words, "Do you feel that?"

Her eyes welled up again, this time with tears of joy as she smiled and nodded, "I do."

He smiled back, "That feeling's never going away, Em."

She bit her bottom lip as she crashed into his chest again, squeezing him tight as she said softly, "I love you."

She could feel his heartbeat quicken, and she closed her eyes and smiled. In that moment, she knew everything would be okay as Billy's grip tightened around her and he answered with a smile, "I love you, too."

--